My Black Monster #2

​Today I washed my hair, after 3 days of it being unkempt.

Changed the bedsheets, cleaned my room.

Did the dishes too.

I didn’t want to but they stank.
How do I explain this to my mother? 

Depression isn’t laziness… it’s a blurry, hazy mess. It’s living in shadows and wanting to be there. 

It is neither finding comfort in darkness nor longing for light.

It’s neither an abyss nor blinding light.
Sometimes it’s sleeping for a whole day or staying awake counting the ticks of the clock.

Blood-shot eyes but still smiling lips.

Throw them off, right? 
Sometimes it’s staying hungry because you have no appetite or eating then feeling guilty so purging it all out.
Sometimes it is closed doors and curtains and hiding under the blankets. 
Let me dissolve between the threads of the bedsheet. I can’t carry the weight of the world today.

My knees scream in protest. My stomach twists nervously.

My mind is at war with itself.

There are too many voices, but not one comforting. 

Sometimes it’s crying for no reason alone or laughing in front of people to throw them off .

Did they see it?

The fake laughter I just did?

Why do I want to hide and be seen at the same time?

Are there people like me hiding in the crowd? 

We are good at that, aren’t we?

The best place to hide is in plain sight.
So I wear my prettiest black dress for mourning. Death for my motivation. Death of hope.

Put on my lipstick. 

Paste that smile on. 
But my eyes don’t twinkle neither do my cheeks blush.
But I’m out there laughing at meaningless jokes, hiding in plain sight. 
Come find me, if you can.

Major Depressive Disorder/ Inktober

*credits to the artist

My other post about Depression (symptoms, treatment and helpline )

A/N – If anyone is suffering from depression please reach out for help. I know it is hard but it is needed. Talk to someone, your friends or family. If you can’t reach out to them then call helplines and talk to them or even me. Seek someone out. People are ready to listen, give them a chance. A lot of people suffer from mental disorders, this in no way diminishes your suffering. Somebody having it worse is in no way an excuse to not seek help for yourself. You are not bothering or being annoying by talking about it. You are not an attention seeker for saying it outloud. Your feelings are always valid.

Brain is an organ just like your stomach or kidney. Sometimes it also needs help. If you fracture your arm you don’t make it suffer more. You take care of it. Take care of yourself. Your mental health is important.

Much love,

Chesta ❤


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