I don’t have an acute description for the sadness I feel.
It’s like waves touching the shore.
Craving more of the shore.
Craving more of me.
Some days are better than others.
Other days I don’t want to exist.
Some days I do everything right but it all still falls apart.
Before I know I’m nitpicking everything.
Remembering how miserable I truly feel.
But I love playing hide and seek with my feelings. Some people may call it denial.
Other days I play hide and seek with my friends. Because I know how miserable they will be if they find out about my other game.
So I stay in my room. Play with my fantasy bubble, a make believe world. But reality has a way of knocking when I least want it and most need it.
It knocks so hard that my make believe world cracks and shatters.
And I have to hand pick reasons from culmination of things to either want to live or not. On these days my mind rallies against sanity.
I know you must be wondering how can something so shiny be so tarnished. It’s okay. I’m wondering the same thing.
Altschmerz: weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had- the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve always had- the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve been gnawing on for years.
Altschmerz is an imaginary word created by someone named John Koenig, by altering a real German word, that real word being weltschmerz. It does not have a direct English equivalent. However, in German, welt means world, and schmerz means pain, so as a compound word, the combination, literally translated, means “world pain.” (1)
(1) To read more, click here .